Help! Sister Marrying Financially Insecure Partner

Dear Arielle, 

My sister is engaged to be married to a man that I (along with her father, mother, and other family members) do not feel is suitable. We do not think he has the means to provide, protect, or contribute to a future family that they may build. Example: At 25, he has no place to stay, no car, not even a driver’s license. And hasn’t made any plans to address any of those deficiencies. 

Because I feel it is not my place, nor was I asked or have seen her fiance more than twice, I have not openly objected. However, I have not “cheered on” or congratulated them. 

I don’t want to appear to sign off or encourage this move, and I plan to remain neutral. Am I wrong for not being happy for her? If I did, I feel like I’d be lying. 

Signed, 

Concerned Sibling 

Dear Concerned Sibling,

The truth is you’re already lying. First to yourself and subsequently to your sister. 

You write that you “plan to remain neutral.” But that’s not what you are, is it?

You’re super far from it. 

I know this because you listed all of the ways that your sister’s fiance doesn’t measure up to you and your family’s standards of a “suitable” partner.

• No place to stay.
• No car.
• No driver’s license.

And based on what you’ve written here, no future.

None of that is neutral language. It clearly states an opinion, a side, and a judgment.

You and your family are playing judge, jury, and fortune teller about your sister’s relationship.

You write, “We do not think he has the means to provide, protect, or contribute to a future family that they may build”.

A future family that they may build?

Do you see how everything that you’re concerned about is in an imagined future that may never happen?

The reality is your sister wants to marry someone with no car, no home, and no driver’s license.

Everything else beyond those facts are judgments or assumptions about what that information means.

The truth is, anything is possible. 

Your sister and her fiance could struggle financially for the rest of their lives because he’s not willing to do what’s necessary to help them achieve financial stability.

But it’s just possible, that he gets his shit together, gets a decent job, and a driver’s license, and they split the rent on a place they can afford while they raise children.

My point is that you and your family are catastrophizing about a future that none of you have the divine ability to predict, or control.

You can continue to do this, but I don’t think you will like the person it will turn you into.  

You already don’t like the person it’s turning you into; a liar. 

You’ve already stated that that’s not who you want to be, but it is already who you have allowed yourself to become.

So the question is not are you ”wrong for not being happy for her”?

Of course, you’re not wrong for having your feelings. But are you wrong for who you’ve allowed those feelings to turn you into?

I would say yes. Because my gut tells me that you don’t want to be a judgmental person, and your words tell me that you have no desire to be a liar.

So the real question becomes, how do we get you closer to the person you want to be?

A person who is honest and doesn’t fake agreement or neutrality with your sister or yourself. And a person who respects her sister’s right to make her own decisions.

Before we can get you on track to being the person you want to be, there is something we need to clear up first. You write that you, “have not openly objected” because you feel as if it’s not your “place.”

I agree and disagree. 

You’re correct in acknowledging that it’s not your role to outright object. However, I disagree with the notion that refraining from objection means you can’t or shouldn’t voice your concerns.

So my question for you is: why do you feel your approach to this conversation with your sister has to be neatly placed in the binary categories of support or objection?

There are so many more options that you can explore beyond those two extremes. There is a healthy discussion that exists between those two opposite ends of the spectrum.

This is the space I would encourage you to step into because it’s the space you desire to be in; neutrality. 

Not merely a concept of remaining neutral in your thoughts, but rather embodying neutrality through your actions.

By embodying neutrality, you’re not dictating what your sister should do; instead, you’re encouraging her to delve into and contemplate the possible obstacles that may arise from her choice.

What does that look like?

The conversation could look something like this: “ I love you, and I support your right to make your own decisions because it’s your life. But I do have concerns about the decision you’re about to make. My concern is that you will experience financial difficulties that will make your marriage more challenging than it has to be. Have you considered the challenges of having a partner who doesn’t have the stability of a vehicle or home, and how do you plan to deal with it?”

This way you’re not pretending to support her when you really don’t, but you’re also not openly disagreeing with her based on your own opinions. Instead, you’re opening up space for both of you to be honest, share your feelings, and process things together.

See the difference?

Now if, after having this conversation, your sister makes a decision that worries you or with which you disagree, it’s important to remember that everything will still be okay. 

Your role as a caring and supportive sibling isn’t to shield her from mistakes along her journey, but rather to assure her that you’ll be there for her, even when she stumbles.

I think it’s important for you to distinguish the difference because ultimately learning this distinction in your role and responsibility will free you.

Speaking of freedom, there’s another aspect of your letter that catches my attention.

I mentioned earlier how you seem to categorize your approach to the situation neatly into binary options: either support or objection.

But I also noticed you did this with your feelings when you questioned whether it was wrong not to feel happy for her.

This indicates that you’re not just applying this binary thinking to your sister’s relationship, but also to your own emotions.

However, feelings don’t neatly fit into the categories of right or wrong. 

I point this out because I think it will benefit you to embrace the nuances of your emotions and what they’re trying to reveal to you.

There is a pattern here worth paying attention to.

Just as there’s space between support and objection, there’s also space between the feelings you’re tempted to neatly label as right or wrong.

So, I’d like to extend you an invitation that could potentially change your life if you allow it to.

I want to invite you to stop viewing your feelings as simple indicators of being right or wrong, and instead look at where they are pointing you. This is the deeper lesson hidden in your question.

Your feelings aren’t simplified into the binary categories of right and wrong, good or bad. But they are inviting you to explore your complexity.

Let me share the complex layers your feelings reveal to me about you.

They paint a picture of you as someone fiercely protective, and deeply invested in the well-being of your loved ones. But with this protective instinct comes a tendency to make anxious predictions about the future,  always bracing for the worst to safeguard those closest to you. Your admiration for your sister shines through, as does your commitment to honesty, even when it’s difficult. 

Now, how can we neatly package any of that into being right or wrong?

We can’t.  

Can you see it now?

This is why I want to invite you to stop judging your feelings and start exploring them instead because ultimately they are just a path to learning more about you.

And that is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

Just as I encourage you to invite your sister to explore the possibilities for her future rather than confining your conversation to the rigid boxes of objection or support, I also encourage you to give your feelings the space that exists beyond the confines of right or wrong.

This is the work I want you to focus on because it is what will ultimately serve you best in the long run.

Hope this helps.

Arielle

Hey! If this link doesn’t open up to auto-generate an email, you can just email me about the advice you need at arielle@arielledavis.com. And if you want to ask for advice anonymously, then click here.