You know that woman you look up to, and are secretly jealous of? The one whose life seems impeccably organized, effortlessly stylish, and always seemingly put-together. Yeah you know her. Guess what? That woman probably hates herself as much as you do.
She still replays conversations in her head. She still second guesses her choices. She still obsesses over every single decision she makes. She still stands sideways in the mirror focused on her stomach and thighs. She still stays stuck in jobs, relationships and a life that she hates.
You know how I know? Because I still do some of this bullshit, and I speak to enough women to know that we have all been brought into the same lie–that in order to be worthy, we must be perfect. And as a result we devalue our worth and sell ourselves short. We settle for less because we don’t know we deserve more.
We have all been brought into the same lie–that in order to be worthy, we must be perfect.
Arielle Davis
You’re Not Alone
How many times this week have you been in a conversation with an incredible woman in your life—a friend, a colleague, a mom, a leader, a singer, a painter, or a barista—only to hear her spend most of the time talking shit about herself? She can’t seem to see the light she brings because she’s blinded by her perceived flaws and failures. And here’s the kicker: we’re all that woman in another woman’s story.
Since 2017, perfectionism has been on the rise, and it’s hitting women harder than men. As if not having autonomy over our bodies isn’t enough, we also give our power away daily because we’ve bought into the lie that perfection equals worth.
And what’s our reward for striving to be the perfect partner, parent, and person? We win anxiety, stress, depression, disordered eating, and sleep struggles. Yay us, right?
Well, maybe not all of us struggle with disordered eating, but we sure aren’t going after those promotions, asking for raises, starting our businesses, having fulfilling sex lives, feeling content with our bodies, or stopping the comparisons with the other incredible women we love. We’re not saying no to things that drain us. But here is what we are doing…
| Related: Why It Is Important to Learn to Say No – And How to Do It
Burying Our Dreams and Desires With a Smile
We’re constantly overcommitting, feeling the pressure to do more than we can handle. We’re perpetually running on the never-ending hamster wheel of pleasing everyone else, tirelessly striving to earn love and validation, often at the expense of our own well-being.
We’re putting off the things that truly matter to us—the passions, the dreams, and the self-care that nourishes our souls. We keep ourselves silent when it truly counts, at the workplace where our voices matter, and in the bedroom where our needs for pleasure should be heard and respected.
This constant neglect of speaking up leaves us feeling unheard and undervalued. All the while, our mental and physical health takes a backseat, often buried under the mountains of responsibilities and societal expectations. And we’re willing to pay this cost if it means our lives look perfect, or we seem perfect. Perfect meaning: easy to deal with, easy to please, and honestly easy to walk all over. Perfect means not being disruptive, not upsetting others, putting our needs last, and proving our value by buying into the feeling that without striving for love and acceptance we are invaluable.
The Myth of Being Perfect
Society causes us to believe that the only path to being loved, celebrated and accepted is to earn it through perfection. It makes us think that we need to be flawless in everything we do, having a perfect body, a really great job, perfect relationships, and always being happy. This myth is all around us in what we see on social media to what we watch in movies, and hear in music.
It makes us constantly compare ourselves to others, doubt ourselves, and believe that we’re never good enough. The more we try to be perfect, the more we feel like we can’t do it, which makes us feel like we’re failing, not ourselves, but everyone else. In our collective journey towards self-discovery, breaking free from the comparison trap is a powerful step toward cultivating self-worth and empowerment.
| Related: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Women
And even when things are going well, and we are winning, we still feel we can’t give ourselves credit. We experience imposter syndrome which tricks us into thinking we’re not actually good at what we do, that we don’t deserve our success. It makes us scared of being seen as not good enough, which stops us from going after what we want and celebrating when we actually get it.
So what are we to do?
Change The Way We View Imperfection
If you Google imperfection it would offer you two definitions, one being an adjective (a word that describes something) and the other being a tense (a word that describes the state or condition of something).
This distinction is important for how you move forward. I want you to begin seeing imperfection less as a description of who you are (adjective) and more as a description of the state you’re in (tense).
By making this small shift, suddenly you no longer become a self improvement project, constantly trying to make yourself perfect in order to feel worthy. But instead see the work that you do as a way to improve your life, not yourself. The truth is you are worthy, lovable and acceptable without changing anything. But you are also empowered to change your life if it’s not bringing you the happiness and fulfillment you desire.
Doesn’t that feel like a lot less pressure? So how do we do it?
Integrate Imperfection
Integrating imperfection isn’t about fixing yourself, it’s about empowering change in your life. It means embracing your worth and lovability as you are, without needing to change a thing. But that doesn’t release you from the responsibility to create a life that feels good to you and spreads kindness to others. So, integrating imperfection is not about fixing yourself, it’s about equipping yourself to change your circumstances through focused effort and skill-building, crafting the life you truly desire. Sounds good right? It’s good, but its not quick or easy.
Integrating imperfection isn’t about fixing yourself, it’s about empowering change in your life.
Arielle Davis
This process takes time. We’ve lived under the illusion of needing to be perfect for quite a while. However, there are skills you can learn and practice as you walk the path to a better life. These skills stem from a study called adaptive perfectionism, revealing that perfectionism, in itself, can have benefits.
Perfectionism can motivate us to set goals and achieve desirable outcomes. And when driven by the desire to excel and be well, not by fear of failure or inadequacy, the journey towards better living becomes more enjoyable. But that’s easier said than done because we’ve been so conditioned to use self hate as a motivator for change. This is the root of unhealthy perfectionism.
The Key to Balancing Unhealthy Perfectionism
The key to balancing unhealthy perfectionism is integrating imperfection. It’s about focusing on progress rather than just results. It’s living in a state of incompletion, recognizing that we’ll never be perfect, but we can feel better. The challenge lies in undoing the conditioning that made us feel unlovable and unworthy for not being perfect. It’s tough to switch off our fear of failure, rejection, and inadequacy.
But by integrating incompleteness and imperfection into our lives—by being curious about our abilities and not pressuring ourselves for specific outcomes—we not only improve our circumstances but also relish the journey towards a better-feeling life. So how do we do it?
Integrating Imperfection: Practical Steps
Changing How We Think
First, let’s change the way we think. Instead of always aiming for perfection, we should accept that making mistakes is okay and helps us grow. It’s about being kind and compassionate to ourselves and focusing on getting better, not being perfect.
Living in the Moment
Next, try to focus on the moment you’re in, not just the final result. Pay attention to what’s happening as you’re working towards something and learn from it. Each moment teaches us something important, so take the time to think about what you’ve learned.
Be Flexible In Tough Times
Finally, it’s important to learn how to deal with tough situations. It’s about being flexible when things go wrong and thinking of ways to fix unexpected problems. When we learn to understand and manage our feelings in tough times, we build self trust which strengthens the healthy relationship we are working to build with ourselves.
Booking My Online 3 Day Workshop
Recognizing that achieving these things is tough, I’ve organized a 3-day workshop to guide you. This workshop is loaded with practical exercises and the skills that will lead you to:
- Gain financial stability
- Find a loving partner with shared values
- Cultivate supportive and caring friendships
- Enjoy quality time with family and friends
- Create a clean, cozy home
- Land a fulfilling job that makes a positive impact
All these things often get buried when you’re chasing perfection. But I’m here to speed up the process of building a life you love, without self-hate along the way.
There are only 4 spots left, and I’m selective about who joins. This is not only an opportunity to connect to the power within you, but also to connect with a powerful group of women who will understand your journey, struggles, and be there to support you.
Book a call with me to start this powerful journey together.
Leave a Reply